Not Having Your Own Back Has Cost You Years of Progress

You're listening to the Savvy Painter Podcast Episode 340. Hello, hello, welcome to another episode of the Savvy Painter Podcast. I am your host, Antrese Wood, and if you have been listening to this podcast for a while, welcome back. If you're new here, I am so glad you have found the Savvy Painter Podcast. It is the podcast for artists who want practical, tactical tips to create a meaningful art practice that is both fulfilling and supports you.

I think we can all use a little bit more support these days. In this episode, I'm going to talk about how you can give yourself some of that support. This is one of my favorite topics, having your own back, ways that you can support yourself, even when, especially when things don't go your way. Let's get real for a second. If you've been struggling to talk about your work, if you hesitate when someone asks, “So what kind of art do you do?”

Or if you keep putting off submitting to galleries or sharing your work, or even just finishing things because you're secretly afraid or maybe not secretly, I don't think we're that secret about it as these words are coming out of my mouth, I'm just like, “We're not that secret about it.” Sometimes we just don't think that the paintings are good enough. If that is you, then I need you to hear this. Your art is not what's holding you back. Your confidence isn't even what's holding you back. It's that you don't support yourself. You don't have your own back when those things happen.

I know that that might sound a little bit dramatic, but hear me out. This is the thing that just quietly drains your progress and it keeps you stuck. It's really holding you back. It's making everything take so much longer than it could. The thing is, if you don't deal with this, you'll wake up a year from now, still dealing with the exact same frustrations that you're dealing with today, the same avoidance, the same fear of showing up.

So today we're going to talk about why not having your own back is costing you years and years of progress. The artists that I've coached who struggled, suffered, and almost quit because of this, I'm going to share some of their stories and how this pattern won't change unless you do something about it right now. Stick with me till the end because I'm opening spots for the Talk About Your Work workshop. I am only taking 12 people. If you know that this is something that you want to work on, then you're going to want to get in on this workshop.

If you're not sure if you're ready for that, that's okay. That's exactly what this podcast episode is for. It is to help you no matter where you are at. Question for you: How many times have you hesitated or froze up when somebody asks you something about your work, when it's time to talk about your work? Maybe you stumble over your words and then it feels like you're not making any sense at all. I know I have done that many, many times or you just downplay the work that you've done.

It's like saying things like, "Oh, this is just something I do. It's nothing serious." Or, "Oh, this is just something that I have fun doing." Or you completely froze up entirely and said absolutely nothing. I cannot count the number of times that I have done that. And then you spend the next 48 hours or more beating yourself up because you didn't have the words come out because you should have said something, you should have known like, “What is wrong with me?” I've done that too.

This isn't just a confidence issue. It is a thief and it's slowing you down more than you might realize. As a case in point, let me talk a little bit about Katie. Katie, her name is changed but she knows I'm talking about her, is an extremely talented artist, like really good. But she avoided her studio like it was, I don't know, like it was filled with spiders. I have a fear of spiders. It was one thing that I just cannot-- Anyway, so Katie would say that she wanted to paint, and she really, really did.

She would plan her time. She would set the time aside. She would get her family out of the way in a very nice, beautiful, loving way. But then when it came time for her to go into her studio, suddenly, I don't know, like the dishes became really urgent or laundry became the thing that she just suddenly really needed to do. Pulling weeds in the yard, couldn't possibly wait for that. It wasn't because she was lazy.

It was because every time she even thought about painting, her brain told her things like, “You don't even know what you're doing. Who do you think you are? This is not real art. Other people make real art. You don't. I don't know what you think you're doing here, but all this collage, all this painting that you're doing, it's just a bunch of trash.”

So she avoided it because who wants to sit alone with thoughts like that? Also, if that is the criticism and the judgment that you are consistently hearing in your mind, it makes sense that you would avoid doing it. It just sounds awful. What happened was it slowed her down and this was years, years of slow progress, so much wasted time.

Here's the kicker. Katie wasn't bad at painting. If she was bad at anything, it was having her own back. If you cannot trust yourself to handle your own self doubt, you will keep hiding and you will keep hesitating and worst of all, you'll keep reinforcing the idea that you are not capable, that you're not ready, that this isn't real art. How much longer are you willing to let this cycle run your art practice? Because it's not going to stop on its own. It's going to be something that you intentionally create for yourself.

I know some of you might be thinking that being hard on yourself is how you push yourself forward, being hard on yourself is how you improve. I used to believe that too. I used to be a big proponent of that. I think I spent my entire, I mean, for sure all through high school, all through college, my early 20s into my 30s, I really thought that the only way that I would improve was if I pushed hard and I was really vigilant about making any excuses and was just really, really disciplined and not allowing myself to have any breaks, not allowing any excuses about it all.

That could not have been more wrong. That could not be more false. Self-criticism does not make you better. It makes you scared. It makes you hesitate. It makes you move slower. The reason why it makes you move slower is because you're constantly looking around and assessing for danger. You're constantly trying to make sure that you don't make any mistakes whatsoever because that self-criticism and that judgment is going to come pounding down.

You want to know what actually helps you improve? Compassion, momentum. Those are two things that I learned were critical for getting myself through this. But you can't build momentum when your inner dialogue is things like, “I need to push harder,” or, “I'm so lazy, I'm not good enough, I should be better than this.” Whatever that inner dialogue is telling you.

Let me tell you about Maddie. Maddie is an artist and changing her name again, just out of respect. Maddie had been working on getting into a gallery and it took her a while before she felt comfortable even applying to the gallery. Then she applied to one and she got rejected. Not just rejected, the person in charge made it extra painful. They gave her some BS about her work wasn't good and she needed to work on her skills and she needed to go back and study more and all of this stuff.

It was brutal. She took it pretty hard. She cried, she doubted herself, and for a moment, she almost quit. Almost. Instead, she brought it to Growth Studio. That was very courageous because in that moment, those feelings that she had were very intense. Sometimes when you have those feelings, you don't want to take that risk of bringing it to somebody and possibly being criticized or judged even more, so incredibly courageous and she brought it into a coaching session with Growth Studio and I was able to coach her through that.

We had this amazing discussion about it and also she was receiving so much support and love and compassion and empathy from her peers in Growth Studio. That is exactly what we need in those moments. We don't need more criticism and more judgment, which is often what we are trained to offer ourselves. Later on, what happened was even though she still was stinging from that rejection and she didn't feel confident, she didn't feel 100% confident, she still submitted her work to a different gallery.

Then guess what? Two artists at that gallery immediately loved her work. It was the same work. They told her, "You absolutely belong here." And then she realized that first rejection, it wasn't about her work at all. If she hadn't let one person's opinion define her, she would have never known that was possible. Just out of curiosity, how many opportunities have you walked away from just because someone didn't get it?

So this is why having your own back is crucial. Because if you don't have your own back, you'll assume that every no means you're not good enough. When you do have your own back, you realize like, “Oh, okay, yes, that hurt. That was extremely painful, that rejection,” we're never going to say that rejection isn't painful. We're never going to say that when you put yourself out there and it is something that is meaningful to you and something that you worked really hard for, I'm never going to tell you that that doesn't hurt or that that shouldn't hurt. It absolutely does.

The reason it hurts is because you cared so much about it. The reason it hurts is because you wanted it so badly. That feeling that you get isn't the problem. The problem is when you diminish that hurt, when you say it doesn't matter, when you say, “Oh, well, that's just part of the game.” It is part of the game, but it also is true that your feelings are true and your feelings matter.

Having your own back means recognizing that, yeah, that sucked. Not only did that suck, I feel really hurt right now and I feel really upset. You are able to be with yourself while you are feeling that and to have compassion for yourself and to have empathy for yourself while you are feeling that and not make it mean that there's anything wrong with you because you're feeling hurt, because you're feeling rejected. That is the difference.

That is a crucial skill because once you develop that skill, then you know that no matter what happens, even if you submit a painting and the response that you get back is terrible, you know that you are going to be with yourself no matter what, that you are not going to pile on additional pain and suffering on top of something that already was painful for you. That's what having your own back means.

Because that's the type of response that genuinely allows you to say, “Oh, well, okay, that's not the place where I'm going to be showing my work.” You can move on to your next best step because the alternative is you have that experience and then you beat yourself up and you believe what they told you and you go back and forth between resisting what they told you being angry about it and beating yourself up for believing that you could do it in the first place. So then the next time anything comes up, you're going to be extremely resistant to it because of course, you would.

It was such a terrible experience and also the response that you got not just from the gallery, but from yourself was painful, brutal, beating yourself up, adding more judgment, adding more criticism for applying to that gallery for whatever it is, for just not being the person that can get into a gallery or something just ridiculous like that. That's what your brain often offers you.

It makes such a huge difference when you meet that pain with empathy, kindness, and you just allow yourself to sit with that pain. I mean, imagine if it was a friend of yours and you're just like, “Whatever, stop being such a baby, get on with it. You should have known, you should be better at your work, blah, blah, blah.” You would never go to that person again for help. It would be horrible, but imagine if instead they said, “Hey, yeah, I get it, that sucks. That was something you really wanted. That was a painful experience. So let me just sit here with you while you are sad about it and acknowledge that these are real feelings that you have.”

That allows those real feelings to pass even quicker. This is a skill. This is a new habit. This is something that you intentionally create. It impacts all of your work. It impacts when you are creating the work. Just imagine for a second that as you're creating your work, you are able to consistently take risks and push yourself forward. When things don't turn out the way that you want it to, there's no noise. There's nobody yelling at you.

There's nobody telling you that you should have done X, Y, or Z or that you're just inherently not that type of person who can learn how to paint the way that you want to or that you're not skilled enough or not talented enough. Become aware of the amount of criticism that you give to yourself and just know that that is absolutely optional. It is not a given that when you make a mistake, all of a sudden, there's all of this judgment and criticism.

When you're painting, it allows you to take bigger risks and allows you, I mean, even if you're not taking big risks in your painting, even if you're just creating something because you love it, because it's fun and because you're confident in the way that you paint that particular thing and you're just gently playing around with your process, you're not taking giant big leaps at this moment in your studio, you're just being very gentle with yourself, even then, the silence of the critic is going to make that process so much more enjoyable.

That's what we do. That's what we want for our art. Then imagine after you have finished your painting and you are talking about that painting with somebody and you show up with this sense of lightness because you know that you are safe and so you can talk about your work in a different way. If you stumble over your words, you're just a human being who has stumbled over your words. There's not this attack that comes afterwards.

Again, those harsh words, those harsh ideas that our brain will often offer us is not going to help you. Believe me when I tell you that I know how true it feels. I know how real it feels that you have to be tough on yourself, that you have to be hard on yourself in order to grow. I know how true that feels, but it is not true. That's just your brain trying its best to protect you.

We were either implicitly or explicitly taught that that is how you grow and learn and that's the only way that you grow and learn. Implicitly meaning that it was implied. So, so many times when you're in school and you got a bad grade or you got reprimanded for thinking outside of the box, maybe a little bit “too much” or whatever, you are reprimanded or there are so many different ways that that is implied without exactly telling you and not to blame it all on the school system, it's just, I think, an example that most people have had something like that happen to them.

Then explicitly where we're sent these messages, and they come from all over the place. No pain, no gain. This whole idea of the hustle culture, this idea that there are winners and losers in life. Will somebody please explain that to me? That is just the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of in the world. It's not a competition. Anyway, I won't go down that path, but what I want you to know is that the reason that you have these ideas is because you've been taught to have these ideas.

Now, if you've been taught to have these ideas, now you can teach yourself something different, something that serves you better, something that works better for you. The ripple effects of that are phenomenal. I mean, just imagine what that's like when you go into your studio and you have that sense of safety because that's really what having your own back creates. When you expect to be met with criticism and judgment, then that has you constantly looking out for danger.

But when you reprogram yourself—and I'm starting to hate that term, but I'm just going to stick with it for now because it makes sense—when you reprogram yourself, when you rewire, when you unlearn all of these lessons that you have been taught, what you experience is that sense of safety, that sense of just knowing that no matter what happens, I will be met with compassion, I will be met with understanding, I will be met with empathy, and those are the circumstances under which you can grow. Those are the circumstances under which you evolve.

You don't evolve by constantly putting yourself under this stress and this anxiety-producing judgment and criticism. Let me just say one more thing while I'm on this point because a lot of people have this misunderstanding that if you meet yourself with compassion and if you meet yourself with empathy, when you have made a mistake or when you've made an error or when you fumbled or whatever it is or when you've been rejected or when you've experienced something that is painful, I'm just laughing about what I'm about to say next, when you have experienced that, that if you meet yourself with compassion and with empathy that somehow you'll get this feeling that, “Oh, it's okay to fail. It's okay to be rejected. It's just a ridiculous idea that by treating yourself with compassion and with empathy when you are experiencing sadness, disappointment, frustration, whatever it is, you will somehow create more of that.

That's exactly wrong. What you do when you meet yourself with judgment and criticism is then you layer on another layer of suffering to what is already difficult enough. When you continually do that, the natural response that you will have afterwards is to avoid putting yourself in that situation ever again, because first of all, the rejection, the perceived embarrassment if you stumble over your words or that feeling that you get when you want to talk about your work and you have no idea what to say or you do know what to say, but it just won't come out of your mouth, that experience, there's the pain that's attached to that experience or the negative emotion that is often attached to that experience.

But then you layer on all of this other judgment and criticism and just this barrage of the most horrible things that you all are saying to yourself. Of course, you will want to avoid that in the future, but just imagine instead you make a mistake and you're like, "Hey, that was a mistake," and you recognize that you are a human being, you will make a mistake, and you recognize that you can make mistakes, and it's safe to make mistakes, and to just get right back up and do it again. Get right back up and keep going forward, and there's no punishment for having made a mistake.

What that does for you is it makes you immune to failure because you know this is how you really, really understand that concept. Everybody talks about it and people say it so glibly like just fail forward or failure is a lesson. Well, yes, you fail forward and failure is a lesson, but failure is also a lesson that doesn't come along with a beating, with a verbal beating.

Like I said at the beginning of this, I am very passionate about this. This is something that I definitely, for those of you listening to this who are in Growth Studio, they're probably cracking up right now because I will go off on this often because I just see artists creating so much pain and suffering in their life and being so cruel to themselves. It's also unnecessary and untrue.

I feel very strongly about this, like they tease me too because it's like the mama bear in me comes out where I'm just like, “Okay, stop. We will not be beating yourself up over this because that is not okay, it is not okay to treat yourself that way. Somewhere along the line, you learned falsely that that's how you do it. It is not how you do it. I will not tolerate it.”

But I hope you don't tolerate it for yourself either because what you get on the other side of this is that ability to take risks to talk freely, to express yourself the way that you want to without that fear that comes with it. So many people, the fear of public speaking supposedly is one of the biggest fears that we all have. Second to death or maybe some people fear it more than death, what they're actually fearing isn't the public speaking itself. What they're fearing is the barrage of insults and criticism and judgment that comes not from the audience but from themselves when they don't “do it right.”

When you show up and you speak about your work and you talk to people like an actual human being instead of a machine, I mean, just sit with that for a second. So I think that's all I have to say about that. This whole idea of having your own back allows you to move forward even when you don't “feel ready,” because you're never going to feel ready. You're never ever going to feel ready.

You need to create a scenario, you need to create a space for you so that you can move forward even when you're not ready and that you know that regardless, you will be met with love and compassion on the other side of it. Because this idea that you're going to be ready to speak about your work, that you're going to be ready to speak publicly, that you're going to be ready to show your work, that you're going to be ready to submit to a gallery, that you're going to be ready to say to the world, "Hey, I just finished this series of paintings," that idea is another sneaky version of “ready,” and I'm doing big air quotes around that, so often, for many of us, is I have gotten this to a point where I'm pretty sure that nobody can criticize me, when the person that they're worried about is actually themselves.

That's where you completely have control over this, because you can make the decision that under no circumstances do I beat myself up. I stay on my team. I stay on my side, even when, especially when I make a mistake because that's when I need it the most. Can you hear the mama bear coming out right now? Okay, so I think that's what I have for you all today. This is a really important topic. Obviously, I feel very passionate about it and I hope that resonates with you.

If you want to take what you are learning here on the Savvy Painter Podcast even further, join us in Growth Studio. Growth Studio is a unique community of artists. We meet multiple times a week for live coaching, critiques, and demos. Just go to savvypainter.com/join.